I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
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Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Sharon I have some bad news
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Meanwhile in Canada…
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.