I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
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Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish