Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
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I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.