I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.

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Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.


Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.


Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys


Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store


Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey

Me: Tonight?

Her: Yes

[After the movie]

Her: OMG that was so hot!

Me: Mom, please just stop talking


NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.


My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.


Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.