@Brohamulet

I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.

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@FakeDeanAccount

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

@TheBoydP

Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.

@LlamaInaTux

Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys

@oldfriend99

Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store

@donnie_fairburn

Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey

Me: Tonight?

Her: Yes

[After the movie]

Her: OMG that was so hot!

Me: Mom, please just stop talking

@818Newbie

NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.

@theshantilly

My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

@SladeWentworth

Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.