I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
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You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
*seductively corrects your posture*
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment