I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

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Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.


Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.


Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.


Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂


If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.


toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.


The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.


“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.


I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.