I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
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Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”