I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
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When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
😂😂
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.