I hate what you’ve done with the place.
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So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Well, this explains it:
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere