@TheTweetOfGod

I hate what you’ve done with the place.

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@YoungNobler

Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.

@joejwest

ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY

@SamePageDifDay

Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?

@Faux_Ma

Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.

@caseytduncan

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.

@BigJDubz

Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names

@awkwardphilippe

[home depot]

employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE

me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT

@revbeaneeweenee

Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.

@TopherKearby

[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?