I hate what you’ve done with the place.

You Might Also Like


Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.


ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY


Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?


Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.


Genie: You have 3 wishes.

I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.


Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names


[home depot]

employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE

me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT


Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.


[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?