i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
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Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.