I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
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you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.