I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
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Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now