I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
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Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you