I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
You Might Also Like
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time