I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
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I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.