I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
You Might Also Like
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Anyone really
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!