@SlabBaconBP

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”

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@zachreinert0

I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards

@CatherineLMK

“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”

-actual message from my mom

@Reverend_Scott

DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-

MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?

DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

@Heldinchains

It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!

I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???

@pleatedjeans

Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you

@rickkondell

Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.

@behindyourback

*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?

@sageboggs

KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good

@badbanana

There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.