Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When did razors get so expensive?

Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave

Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?

It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.

For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it

[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady

I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.

Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.

If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.

when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.

[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.

[at a chemistry convention]

Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”

Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”

Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had

Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”

I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.

The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.

I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice

ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*

Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.

*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*

*I go outside and swing on the swingset*

Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.

She laughed and laughed.

Apparently so hard, she got a headache.

Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.

My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win

Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.

*police sirens*

*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*

QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN

*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*

It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.

that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down

*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.