I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
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Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Made something I’m not proud of
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me