I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
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You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it