I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
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*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
#math
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
mmm onion ringos
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”