I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
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Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Don’t snitch tag.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Very good! 👍😂
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?