I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
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R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally