I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
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It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Real House Wines.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
i could never be president. im overqualified.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Love this guy
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Oops I deleted….
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.