I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
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I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
titanic
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off