I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
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Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her: