I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
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Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
I hate everything
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”