I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
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Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.