I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
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Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter