@Jarhead44

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

You Might Also Like

@kelly_pawlluck

Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind

Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?

@StansaidAirport

Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.

@Cheeseboy22

Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.

@ThisLocalHater

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

@DaveSirus

The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

@JanineEB4

My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..

@4ndbest

[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma

@pleatedjeans

[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go

@hardlyrelevant

(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”