I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
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[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.