I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

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Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind

Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?


Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.


Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.


I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one


The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.


This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.


My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..


[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma


[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go


(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”