I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
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Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Geez man, take it easy.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.