i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
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Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
had to share :’)
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.