I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
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My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
the clam before the storm
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun