I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
You Might Also Like
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
technically true but not a great slogan
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
bit less wobbly today
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
turns out i’m a hippo
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
“do you like string?”
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.