Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids

Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this

Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no

technically true but not a great slogan

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*

guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

Cop: Why are you speeding?

Me: I’m super late for work

Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down

Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?

5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.

Me: Put on your seatbelt.

13: Do I have to?

Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield

13: cool

Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!

Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.

Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.

Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.

Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak

Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not

coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”

Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears

Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear

He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy

-Dr. Octavril Lavigne

If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.

Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”

( spelling bee )

Your word is “passive-aggressive”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.

*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod

If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.

ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted

ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up

Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.

There should be a safe word for small talk:

“So how about this weather we’re hav -”

“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”

Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.