I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
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Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
I have questions??
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
sin harder.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”