I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
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Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?