I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
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So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.