I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
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I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Did my cat write this
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty