I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
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ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.