I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
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getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
uh oh
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.