I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
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“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.