I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
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*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
My new favorite headline
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu