I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.
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Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.