I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
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I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training