I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
You Might Also Like
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed