I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
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“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
oh my god
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts