I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
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Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
War & Peace
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.