I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
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Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
classic mixup
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED