I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
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Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh