I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
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The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
my dog when i have a friend over
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.