@6InchMole I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
@BlondAmbitionTO I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
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@6InchMole 
@RealDMK If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
@Lhlodder Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
@danwlin TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
@iwearaonesie Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
@BoothysTweets Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
@TheWoodenslurpy *walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
@justmebutnot1 Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
@thrill_tweeter Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
@jus4golf Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer