I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

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I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house


If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!


Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?


TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.

*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*


Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again


Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.

Dragon: This is the last time.

Unicorn: Hell yeah!

Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]


*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.


Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning


Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.


Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer