I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
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Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit