Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.

Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week

I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.

Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.

Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.

Man, I wish they still made sticks.

[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!

Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.

I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.

Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful

[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit

11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?

Me: Great!

11: Want to hear it again?

Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.

Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away

wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices

me: ok, let’s start tomorrow

[next day]

me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home

wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*

Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!

4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..

Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING

Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great

I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”

If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials

Son: What’s for dinner

Me: Tater tots

Son: What else?

Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur

The new Ring movie looks terrifying

how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?

Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor

[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT

If you’re testing me, we failed.

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle