I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
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My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.