I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
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I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Somewhere in an alternate universe
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”