I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
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6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”